The deepest mother love, nurtured through personal growth with Elyssia

Elyssia and her daughter

In my series on motherhood I want to portray the diversity of the motherhood experience and what it means to be a mother now. I’m interested in telling stories through other mamas to give insight into their approach to motherhood, be it their struggles, triumphs, their deepest feelings, how they have evolved and grown, perhaps how they raise their children connected to nature and live with a light footprint or how they approach mothering consciously. 

I want to portray the essence of motherhood in every family’s unique language. There is value in opening a dialogue and worth in sharing perspectives, thoughts, fears and dreams and in allowing ourselves to honour our children's innate natures and supporting ourselves as mamas.

Today I am sharing a beautiful, open story by Elyssia. She lives in Christchurch, New Zealand with her sweet wee daughter Jasmine.

All photos by Charlotte, Olive & Pop

To me Motherhood is a deep journey of personal growth. I am uncovering parts of myself I really don’t like a lot. I'm uncovering deep patterns hidden in my psyche from my Mother and my Grandmothers. Some I love, some I need to rewire in my brain in the moment. This has become easier over time. There are a lot of light moments and dark moments to move through everyday. Just in the last few months I've managed to get on top of my anxiety and just be with Jasmine, through meditation, regulation practices and therapy. I’ve never grown so much, so fast. 

My little family is made up of Jasmine, our three year old, Jake, her Papa and I. Oh and our darling cat Lucia.  Jake and I separated nine months ago but we are still a family and good friends. We have the intention of always remaining connected and cultivating new family rituals as a separated family. The values we hold in our family are to look after our own bodies and minds, and to get outside into nature everyday, rain or shine. This guides our days. 

Jasmine is an incredibly creative, empathic, patient and loving child. She likes to Mother all of her friends and talks about when she will grow a baby of her own at least a few times a day. She feels deeply, but knows what she needs when she's feeling something, like a cuddle, patting the kitty or to draw etc. I'm in awe of this.  I often think I just grew myself a bestie haha. She in a season of creating art at the rate of knots, dancing and singing all day, everyday. It's beautiful to behold. 

I lost my mum early, when I was six, so as Jasmine is approaching this age I'm so excited to be able to give her the stability, magic and wonder that I missed when my mum died. I'm also already excited to be a Grandmother one day, fingers crossed. 

In Jasmine's life, I see myself being her shelter from the storm. I want to set up a beautiful homestead that she can always return to, nourish herself and then go back out into the world. 

I spent my twenties enjoying life around the world to the fullest and never wanted to be a Mum until the drive for a family of my own (and the hormones hit) when I was  twenty-nine, and I met a man who I knew would be an amazing Papa. I'm so grateful it happened. My hope for Jasmine is that she has a deep awareness of self. To lead her life from that place. 

Now being a Mum, I can handle the underbelly of life with much more grace. I used to chase fun experiences, beautiful places to live and ease. Since having a child I now know grit. The sleep deprivation, the long days, the sicknesses, the relationship deterioration. Life became equally full of deep purpose and love and also heavy, dark and painful. I love dancing on this polarity now. It feels real, deep and full of richness. I used to get mum guilt severely when Jasmine was smaller. Leaving her for my own self care practices definitely nourished her and our connection on returning, so that was needed. But I probably took on too much work and study when she was small. Now in hindsight, I see it’s such a short time. Mum guilt might have been trying to tell me - there is nothing more important right now, just be a Mother. I ignored that to try and be more. 

I was born out of an affair and then my mother had cancer and was quite unwell. I felt that my childhood was as stable as my mother could possibly muster, she did her very best and I'm so grateful, but the circumstances were tough I think. After my mum died my sense of belonging and stability were torn away. I want Jasmine to feel stability and belonging consistently through her whole childhood. 

Birthing jasmine made me realise how little I thought of myself. It was a bigger awakening to my very low self worth. But now, how could I not value myself with this little perfect baby in my arms. A baby I made in my body and birthed so fiercely. It's taken some time but now I can't work for minimum wage, I have clear boundaries with my time and very particular about who I surround myself with, and I love my body and all the imperfections. 

When I think of the concept “it takes a village to raise a child” to me it seems like pre industrial age life. We have become insular. I feel what a village might be like in my bones, maybe  my DNA, but it's nowhere to be seen in our current situation. Every day in one way or another I grieve for the village. Most of my family have passed over or live in Australia. So we have very little support here. It was one of my considerations when having a child, but I couldn't let it stop me. There are many playgroups and cool adventures to have with friends though, so we do have beautiful days. There are other times when it feels completely unnatural to be alone, just Jasmine and me all day. 

In my parenting approach I aim to give space to all emotions, without trying to fix or distract.  I hope as Jasmine grows older, she knows I'm here to listen to the full spectrum of the human experience she is having. I was blessed to have my Grandmother to talk to about anything with, it was the most precious gift in hindsight. I want for children to be seen, honoured and valued for just being themselves, I know I need to be doing my own inner work. For example, my daughter's sensitive nature - I was subtly shamed for being sensitive. I had to do some reading on good wording by Janet Lansbury and also accept my own sensitive self in order to approach this in a new way, and to fully honour her.

Developing Jasmine's self worth and confidence is one of my highest parenting goals. Jasmine needs to hear empowering wording from me everyday and she needs to see me loving myself. I also aim to let her discover things on her own. She learnt how to use the potty, count etc without any input from us. I feel trying to teach her anything before she shows interest may dampen her self worth if she can't do it just yet. Learning how to be with my emotions whilst being with Jasmine is still something I struggle with. Sometimes I can verbalise it to her and tell her it's nothing to do with her, not her fault. Sometimes I'll do the butterfly tap on my chest (amazing tool)  journal or do a bit of yoga to process. But other times I might wait until I have some solo time to fully be with the emotion. It's definitely not perfect. 

Balance is a constant practice but what I've learnt is, don't take on too much. Jasmine is little now, but she wont be forever. It's tempting to escape the intimacy of motherhood through thinking I need to have some kind of importance out in the world. But I chose to ‘just’ be a mother over and over again. I say no a lot, I change my mind a lot and learn to surrender to the simple days.