Gentle parenting and navigating solo motherhood with Amy
In my series on motherhood I want to portray the diversity of the motherhood experience and what it means to be a mother now. I’m interested in telling stories through other mamas to give insight into their approach to motherhood, be it their struggles, triumphs, their deepest feelings, how they have evolved and grown, perhaps how they raise their children connected to nature and live with a light footprint or how they approach mothering consciously.
I want to portray the essence of motherhood in every family’s unique language. There is value in opening a dialogue and worth in sharing perspectives, thoughts, fears and dreams and in allowing ourselves to honour our children's innate natures and supporting ourselves as mamas.
Today I’m sharing a story from my dear friend Amy who I met, both of us pregnant at our antenatal class. She lives with her wee boy Gabrael in a tiny house community surrounded by nature in Motueka, New Zealand. - Charlotte
All photos by Charlotte Clements (copyright olive & pop)
I always knew I wanted to be a mum. I see my role in a sense of holding. Of space, safety, security. My hopes and dreams are that he may grow into whomever he chooses to be, unhindered, enabled and empowered to follow his visions and knowing. That he continues to be enamoured by the world around him, living inward ways ecologically and environmentally aware, in constant relationship to nature. Motherhood feels hard. A forever reach for a little bit more, to give, to provide, to be. But it is rich. Soul satiating. And a privilege above all others. I’m excited about his potential, for all he may become. While this season has passed, To me breastfeeding means nourishment, nurture, deep receptivity and connectivity. Mum guilt feels like a continuation of societally impressed 'not enoughness'. It's as much a thing as you let it be. I chose to leave that notion behind long ago. Mamas, celebrate all you are and all you are doing. For your family and for you. Now I approach life in a new way: realism rather than perfectionism. Community and connection. We're in this together, Mamas.
Connection happens best in everyday ways. Care in the tying of shoelaces, the hand extended while climbing trees, and interest in their creative play. I thought I'd be teaching him. Actually I feel I'm more just journeying along with him, sharing in the everyday and the teaching and learning seems to happen as we go. Our family philosophy is simple. Simpler. Simplify, some more. Nature play, beach meanderings, bush wanderings.
In Gabrael I see tenacity, curiosity, exploration, courageousness. Together we are navigating change. A transition from neutrality of early childhood into a more established sense of self - self identity, self preferences, self in relationship to others. I feel I in partnership with him, I felt this first during his birth. The dance goes on...
I don’t think I’m here to guide him on his life journey. I feel like he chose me and his dad to be his parents.
Acceptance. I am as I am. And actually, that is enough. I'd spent my whole life striving for the next thing, aspiration, goal, career target, promotion, self development, spiritual awareness...to him, I am enough as I am. And I'm happy with the person I am too, just as I am.
The challenge about raising children has very little that's actually about him. It's the wider circumstances that are challenging. Relationships, resources such as time, availability for work, making the rent and paying for groceries balanced with time in care. I want him to learn about the world through his own eyes. Open to the wisdom of our ancestors, tribal land, native peoples living with reverence for our world.
Outward behaviour is all communication. Listen to the whispers and we might not need hear the screams. I encourage open and honest communication in that we simply talk about everything! I teach kindness and empathy and valuing other people by asking how he might feel in another's shoes. It’s time to move beyond gender equality, the importance of recalibrating respectful relations between men and women for our unique virtues and shared responsibilities. I hope our children find a better way in dealing with world political issues. My hopes for our children’s generation is for connection and compassion, in ways we of our generation are still (re)learning. I want Gabrael to truly be seen, valued and honoured for being himself.
My experience of being a child and being mothered was that of feeling held. I simply want to impart the feeling of being held and I hope he views me with feelings of comfort and stability. Assurance and reliance. Love and understanding. In developing his sense of self, his worth, confidence and love. Allow for affirmation of his play, his voice, his ideas and allow him to lead.
When I have enough perspective to allow for considered communication around my feelings and emotions it can enrich his understanding and acceptance of his own emotions. When he was born I felt expansion. Then loss. Then expansion again. Cyclical and circular, but in an ever expanding unfolding so the circumference is larger than ever before. In a haze of demands of solo motherhood, there's not been a felt sense of perspective of personal expansion. That I imagine will come later for me. Or sooner, perhaps. That the day-to-day has been so hard was something I never expected or anticipated motherhood to be. And actually motherhood itself it feels has not been so hard. But the timeline and circumstance of wider life surrounding my mothering are inseparable, the one experience entwined with all other.
