Teaching her children happiness and self esteem, with Ella

An interview with Ella as she shares her thoughts on her motherhood journey with her three girls.

In my series on motherhood I want to portray the diversity of the motherhood experience and what it means to be a mother now. I’m interested in telling stories through other mamas to give insight into their approach to motherhood, be it their struggles, triumphs, their deepest feelings, how they have evolved and grown, perhaps how they raise their children connected to nature and live with a light footprint or how they approach mothering consciously. 

I want to portray the essence of motherhood in every family’s unique language. There is value in opening a dialogue and worth in sharing perspectives, thoughts, fears and dreams and in allowing ourselves to honour our children's innate natures and supporting ourselves as mamas.

Today I have the pleasure of sharing a story by my lovely friend Ella. She lives with her gorgeous family in Christchurch, New Zealand. *This was originally published in 2019 - Charlotte

All photos by Charlotte, Olive & Pop

Ella’s daughter Lola

I am 1 of 4 kids and I probably just assumed I would be a mum. Being part of a large, loving family just seemed normal and the natural thing to do. Our philosophy is to nurture, love, protect and educate. I see myself as their emotional support and educator. I would hope my role is to get them to a point in life where they are independent, strong women ready to face whatever life throws at them. 

We are a mix of sensitivity, stubbornness, gorgeousness and complexity, courage, gentleness, rebelliousness and delight. We have endured some tricky times but where possible always look at how lucky we are in the environment we are in.

Motherhood has been a gift and truly challenging for me. I love being a mum and I love that they push my boundaries of perfectionism and 'normality'. I love what they teach me and the true love we have for each other. Motherhood excites me in being able to see my girls grow, seeing their interests and talents flourish, seeing their individuality and personality separate from each other and us. And watching a child’s innate joy and happiness without the inhibition of the stressors of adult life.

I just hope they are happy in themselves. Happiness is a lofty ideal but for me I know I’ve struggled with my own self esteem, my confidence and overall happiness. I wish for them to not to struggle as much as I have with my identity.  In the end it comes back to feeling good in your skin and happy with who you are as a person. With a strong foundation of self assurance and confidence will stop inhibitions that prevent them from achieving their goals. I think we as parents are here to set up their foundation and pathway but then it's up them to see where that takes them.

Ultimately I think mothers guilt, or even just parent guilt is inevitable. But I also think if you embrace this knowledge and don’t beat yourself up over it you can acknowledge it and hopefully laugh about it. We can only try our best. Kids need to see us fail, pick ourselves up, apologise if necessary and get on with things. My children have allowed me to notice aspects of myself that need healing and growth. I need to love myself more and they have shown me that I can't teach them this if I can't start doing it for myself.

I think becoming a mum has taught me to let things go. To try and be more relaxed. Kids are unexpected, you can't plan what they will do next, and things are not perfect. The biggest challenge is managing personalities and that I can't make everything perfect. They are who they are and I am here to support, guide, discipline and place boundaries as best I can. I'm not good with conflict but parenting is full of conflict. Between siblings, between parents and siblings, inner conflict, conflict of parenting styles. But the challenge is to not let it get to you. And to let some of your ideals go, relax and embrace the craziness that is parenting. Still, I’m nervous that the advice I'm giving is wrong, nervous of the effect my parenting will have on them long term. What hangup I’ll give them in their adult life. Nervous I won't give them enough tools to face the world with. Nervous Im not giving them enough love and support. Nervous I'm not enough for them. But ultimately this just comes back to my own hangups and nervousness. Being a parent is the greatest role in life and this in itself is nerve-racking! Often Im actually petrified of what we are teaching them and if its right! Our goal is to teach them how to be capable members of society. I totally believe that it takes a village to raise a child. I love when other parents/teachers/ grandparents take my kids under their wing. Often others have wisdom and energy I can't give them.

I believe my children chose me, and I feel like despite personality clashes that may happen within a family and parents, for some reason either we are here to challenge them on their path and equally they are here to challenge us! I think being in partnership is something we strive to do and will always strive to do but is not always the case. I think kids change so much, their stages of life mean some days you are in total partnership, and some days it feels like you clash over everything. Ultimately it is a constant goal as a parent.

For me breastfeeding meant attachment, relationship, bonding and love. But it also wasn’t overly easy at times, because of things like poor latch and milk intolerances breastfeeding also has feelings of struggle and being completely depleted. My children inspire me to be more light-hearted. To laugh more and love more. To have goals and reach for them. To ride out the hard times and embrace the good and question my behaviour and beliefs. 

Ella’s daughter Lola