Growth, healing and learning: a beautiful motherhood story with Danika

Danika with her wee boy Bodhi. Here she talks about her path in raising him in the most conscious and aware way.

In my series on motherhood I want to portray the diversity of the motherhood experience and what it means to be a mother now. I’m interested in telling stories through other mamas to give insight into their approach to motherhood, be it their struggles, triumphs, their deepest feelings, how they have evolved and grown, perhaps how they raise their children connected to nature and live with a light footprint or how they approach mothering consciously. 

I want to portray the essence of motherhood in every family’s unique language. There is value in opening a dialogue and worth in sharing perspectives, thoughts, fears and dreams and in allowing ourselves to honour our children's innate natures and supporting ourselves as mamas.

Today I have the pleasure of sharing a beautiful story by Danika. She lives by the sea with her lovely wee family in Christchurch, New Zealand.

All photos by Charlotte, Olive & Pop

Danika and Bodhi as she shares here her thoughts on raising children to be their most authentic selves.

My little family is my paradise. My beautiful husband, Sam who is the yin to my yang but also my twin in so many ways. Our son, Bodhi is nearly two and such a light. Our little fur angels, Nova (dog) and Luna (cat). We also have a new little soul on board, it’s early days but we are hoping they will join our family in February. We live by the beach in a house we bought without seeing in person because everything about it just seemed right. And it is, it’s our sanctuary. We have dreams to one day move to a tiny house on our own section and grow more of our own food but where we are is just perfect right now. I think we are like any young family navigating the world at the moment. Sometimes the stress of it all can get the better of us, and everyday we are learning and just trying to be better human beings here on Earth. 

I can’t even describe what a light I feel like Bodhi is. Even when I was pregnant with him, I felt his warm, grounding and sensitive spirit in such an overwhelming way. He is sensitive and loving with an understanding deep beyond his years. He is true to every feeling he experiences and expresses them freely in the present, teaching me so much about my own feelings. He loves animals and hugs the trees. He is so in tune with nature, I’ve worked with kids for 15 years and it always amazes me the innate connection they have with Papatūānuku. He also has this gorgeous sense of humour and cheekiness and playfulness, and he’s so much fun. Oh and he’s a risk taker, my heart is in my throat a lot of the time. But that’s how he is going to learn about the world around him so I try to just let him be, in every way his spirit is.

Bodhi is really starting to have this awareness and ownership over his being. “No” is his favourite word and I try my best to respect that the best I can. He is navigating big feelings and emotions, and especially being so sensitive, it’s overwhelming at times, for him and for me! He really knows what he wants and is trying hard to communicate that in the best way that he can. It’s this really beautiful season of curiosity and discovery and being so aware and intrigued by the world around him while also trying to navigate the world within him and how to the two coexist. No other time except for the here and now, exists for him at the moment. Every reaction, every expression is a response to each moment. It’s amazing to witness.

Being a mum is the only thing I’ve ever been sure of, ever since I can remember and to me motherhood feels like home. And it all excites me - all the things I’m learning: about myself, about Bodhi, about the world around me. All of the healing and wounds that are reflected back to me every day through my child. It’s hard a lot of the time, but the growth and healing and learning that comes from facing all of that, excites me so much. The opportunity in itself, to heal and to grow, is a blessing. I have learnt so much on my motherhood journey so far and I know it’s only the beginning, that’s exciting to me. Oh and the love, the overwhelming, can’t-even-put-into-words kinda love. That you just think cannot possibly grow any bigger and every day it does.

Being a teacher I find the word philosophy tricky at times. We are so eager to put ourselves into a box, and if we subscribe to one “philosophy” we have to go in it at 100% and that’s that. As parents, we are just doing what feels right for us. I call it intuitive parenting. Trying to tune out the noise and all the “shoulds” and just trying to cultivate as much presence with our child so that we can give him what he needs in each moment. To tune into our intuition and parent in the way that feels right to us. I guess there’s definitely a lot of “gentle parenting” and “attachment parenting” and “conscious parenting” philosophy in there for sure. I try to be as respectful as possible, treating Bodhi as the whole being that he is, and love a lot of what Magda Gerber and Emmi Pikler (RIE) advocate. I breastfed to sleep, breastfed on demand until a little over a week ago and we co-sleep. I want to always offer him comfort and nurture when he needs it and know that “independence” comes from first fostering a secure attachment. We’re just doing our best. We are in no way perfect, not that there even is such a thing. I guess my philosophy is trying not to think too much (which is hard for me because I think A LOT) and just let myself be guided by Bodhi and by my intuition.

I hope that I can be like home, a safe place my children know is always there, that they can always return to, whenever they need. I hope that I can provide them a sense of freedom and safety to discover themselves and the world around them, that I can advocate and cheer for them and guide them to advocate and cheer for themselves. I hope I can show up for them in each moment in whatever way they need.

I have so many hopes and dreams for my children but I think when it comes down to it, my biggest hope for them is that they knows that everything they could ever need, they already have within. As cheesy and cliche as it sounds. It took me a long time to truly learn that.

Mum guilt hits me most when I don’t meet my own expectations of the mother I want to be. It can be a real societal thing too though. Especially with social media. So many “shoulds” and “experts” and just people in general adding in their two cents. I can feel mum guilt creep in on me when I let the noise in, when I lose touch with my intuition and I’m learning to be kinder to myself in those moments. At the end of it all, guilt just means that I care. It can be beautiful when you look at it that way.

Becoming a mum has taught me a lot about surrender. Which in turn has allowed me to approach life in a new way for sure. Surrendering everything I thought I knew, surrendering to each moment and allowing myself to be guided has helped me get to know myself on a whole new level. It’s meant that I approach life with a lot less control, a lot less expectation. And with a lot more presence and trust. Because it just goes so fast, everyone says that don’t they? But it’s true. We’ve just ended our breastfeeding journey, at almost two years. It was super emotional for me, even though being pregnant, I was feeling really finished and I know he was too. He wasn’t asking for boobie anymore and would literally feed for 5 minutes max at the end of the day. Even though it was almost two years, I feel like our time was so short. It was such a beautiful and sacred experience that I am so grateful for. And a perfect example for me of why I need to live in and soak up every present moment. Because I’ll ache for those moments when they’re gone.

In every way Bodhi has allowed me to notice aspects of myself that need healing, growth, love and acceptance. He is like a mirror, reflecting back to me the healing and love that I need. Becoming a mother is the greatest blessing because not only do I get to mother this beautiful little being but I also get to re-mother myself and all the parts of my being that need love, acceptance and compassion. I found that a lot when it came to sleep. When I was born, I was in my own room, learning to “self settle” essentially since my mum got home from the hospital. That’s what you did back then, mum told me. Even in the hospital I had Bodhi in the pepī pod in the bed with me, he still sleeps with Sam and I, I don’t think he had a nap during the day that wasn’t on me until he was around 6 months old and even then he was in our bed with me laying next to him. And it’s been challenging, because let me tell you, this kid is no sleeper. It’s by far been one of our biggest challenges. But the feeding and rocking to sleep, the contact naps, the co-sleeping. My intuition just wouldn’t let me NOT do things that way. So I surrendered and followed my intuition. I can see now, not only is it what he needs, but it’s what I need too.

What is challenging about raising children is the same thing that excites me: all the learning and growing, the healing you’re confronted with every day. Your shadows and wounds that show themselves for healing when you least feel like it. It’s a constant stripping back. Stripping back layers of hurt and pain, stripping back everything you thought you knew and it can be exhausting. Sometimes you want to drink wine in your PJs and watch trash TV and NOT be a parent and you have to find the balance - that bit is hard too. It can’t all be deep healing and inner child work and self reflection, you have to have joy and lightness and presence and fun.

When Bodhi was born I felt overwhelmed. We had a loooonnnngg labour and birth journey with a “planned” home birth that ended up with a hospital transfer and assisted (forceps) delivery after my waters had been broken for nearly three days. While largely a positive experience, I definitely had some emotional and spiritual healing to be done afterwards. It took me a minute to process what had happened and that he was here, so many overwhelming emotions. But when that lifted, just a deep sense of peace enveloped us. And a love I have no words to describe.

In an ideal world, raising a child with a ‘village’ type support system is how it should be. My friend and I talk about this often. We were meant to do this together. Women have always been in, and are always meant to have community. Not just as mothers, but as women. It’s so vital to our essence. We were meant to do this together. But the way the world is now, we have lost that vital part of our society. I’m not really sure what having your village truly looks like in this time. I’m still figuring that out, and still trying to find the village in the sense that I dream of, trusting it will come. To me having a village is raising children together, sharing in life together, preparing food together, teaching children together, being emotional support for mama right from the moment of conception, looking after one another, holding one another in the hard times and celebrating in the good. I think it would make the hard parts of mamahood so much more bearable just knowing that you aren’t alone. Because it can be super lonely sometimes. Especially if you’re choosing to go against the grain and parent differently to those around you, to your family. Having a community of people who just get it is essential. The few people in my tribe who get me, who get the way I choose to mother, who support and love me no matter what are everything on this journey. They’ve shown me that no matter how small a “village” may be, that Bodhi and I aren’t alone on this journey.

We’re still working on encouraging an open and honest relationship. I’m a people pleaser and have been ever since I can remember, I always hold back what I truly want to say in fear of hurting the other person. My husband is so accepting and supportive and loving and I think we are both very kind by nature, so we know whatever the other person is saying is coming from a place of absolute love. That helps. But there’s been a lot (and still is) of inner work on my part. Learning to fully trust that I can speak my truth and speaking honestly and openly with myself. Then I can carry that into my relationships. I think making the time to check in with each other is important too. Truly check in and connect. We are a little slack at this and need to make it a priority to do it more regularly.

I hope that we teach kindness, empathy and valuing other people by modelling it. By treating myself with kindness and empathy and by treating Bodhi with kindness and empathy and by treating others around me in a way that shows I value them. My hope is that if Bodhi feels seen, valued and feels he is treated with kindness, love and empathy, that he will treat himself and others the same way. Same goes for animals, for nature, for everything around us.

What are my hopes for our children’s generation as they grow? Phew, this scares me a little if I’m honest. I hope we can get our shit together when it comes to the way we treat our planet so that they have a place to call home. I hope this generation gets to see and truly connect with Earth’s magic and never loses their innate connection with her. I hope that they know a life of peace and true connection, not over a screen, but true meaningful deep connection with one another. So many hopes that I don’t even really know how to formulate into sentences. The most simple way is connection. That they are connected to themselves, to Mother Earth, to one another. When you have connection you can find love, kindness and empathy. And my hope, is with that connection, real progress can be made.

It is such a vital part of the the human journey to feel seen, valued and honoured. We are all shaped in someways by our community, our experiences and society’s expectations. We mould ourselves in some ways, to fit in right? Especially so in our teenage and young adult years and then I feel like for me, life since then, has been a journey back to myself. Peeling back the layers to find the parts of that little girl who just was who she was. I feel like when we can see our children for who they are, when we value and honour every part of their being, they will be less likely to lose that along the way. I hope that Bodhi feels that all parts of him are seen and valued and honoured, even the big overwhelming feelings, no parts of him are more or less worthy of love. I think that giving tamariki (children) the freedom to explore and express themselves and responding always in a way that shows that you truly see them is one of the greatest gifts we can give.

I think the biggest way of developing my child’s sense of self worth, self love and confidence is making Bodhi feel that ALL of him is loved and valued and seen. Even the hard or “difficult” feelings and behaviours. I hope to teach him that our sense of self, worth, confidence and self love are all things that only we can give ourselves. We don’t need to seek outside validation or search outside of ourselves for these things. Allowing him the freedom to explore and express all sides of himself, supporting him in his passions and the things that set his soul on fire. Helping him to understand that all of who he is in every moment is absolutely enough and worthy of his love and acceptance. I don’t really know the best way to “develop” this as such. Other than treating myself in the ways I hope he will treat himself. And by showing him that he is worthy of my love and acceptance by simply just being.

I did this amazing course all about nervous system regulation between mother and child and they touched on how in the “gentle parenting” world, there’s all these “scripts” of what to say to your child in certain situations when managing and expressing emotions. How to respond to them calmly and gently, when in reality, you’re a volcano ready to blow. And that so struck a chord with me. I tried so hard to always respond to Bodhi kindly and gently, when that was faaarr from what I was feeling internally. And this cycle would repeat, because I never actually dealt with the anger and the frustration that I was feeling. Breathwork and meditation has been my saving grace. Both practices have helped me learn to be with all my emotions but especially the difficult ones. By allowing them to take up space and making friends with them, I can manage them better. When I’m frustrated or angry or overwhelmed, I try to close my eyes and just let that feeling be. Let it completely consume me. And it’s not nice, it can be uncomfortable and icky, but it never lasts long. Sometimes I’m in a space to say to Bodhi “I’m feeling really frustrated” (trust me, almost never in a calm and gentle voice) but sometimes I don’t. Sometimes I just have to be with the feeling and explain to him once it’s passed. It’s something I have been working really hard on. I grew up with the narrative that I was too sensitive, that a lot of my feelings were “too big,” so again it’s a lot of unlearning. I see so much of that sensitivity in Bodhi and I want him to learn that it’s nothing to suppress or push away, it’s a superpower. But sometimes I just lose my shit, like us all. But there’s power and learning in that too. I think Bodhi was less than a few weeks old when I first apologised to him for losing it when I was frustrated. I try to always name the feeling if I can, something like “I’m sorry I yelled before. I was feeling really frustrated and tired. It’s okay to feel that way, but I shouldn’t have yelled at you that wasn’t a kind thing for me to do. I’m working really hard at remembering to close my eyes and take deep breaths when I’m frustrated.” I don’t want him to ever feel that my big feelings are his “fault” and I make sure my apology is genuine, even if it takes me half a day to properly calm down and get to the point of apologising. Kids are so forgiving, I think they really understand that we are just here learning as we go too.

In some ways I think my upbringing was very similar and in other ways it’s vastly different. I grew up with a mum and dad who were very much in love. Bodhi has that too. I spent so much time outside as a child, playing in the creek, climbing trees, building huts, getting lost in my imagination. I hope Bodhi has that too. My upbringing was traditional in many senses. Which I am hoping will be different for Bodhi. I went to mainstream school and ECE, there was a bit of an attitude of kids should “behave” and be “good kids” in school but also in parenting which being a people pleaser, I took that to heart. There wasn’t much awareness on seeing the child as a holistic being. I hope that is different for Bodhi. I’m really interested in home schooling/community schooling and the idea of “unschooling.” But we are just taking each day as it comes and I’ll see as we go if that is the best option for him and who he is as a person. I hope throughout his upbringing he knows that he is valued for the whole being that he is, that all sides to him are valued and worthy. That he is “good” no matter how big his feelings are or whatever choices he makes. They do not define his spirit.

My experience of being a child and being mothered was different, different to how I’m trying to mother Bodhi. I don’t want to bash on my mum in anyway because I love my mum and I know she just did the best she could at the time with the knowledge she had. We are very different personalities and that caused friction from time to time. As the sensitive soul I was, I really needed a very nurturing mama, gentle, kind, present. Mum is those things but in her own way. She worked really really hard, because she grew up without a whole lot and wanted life to be different for us. Because of that, she was at work a lot of the time, we had a wonderful nanny but she wasn’t my mum. She’s a real go getter, no fluff kind of person and I think my sensitivity, anxiety and big feelings were difficult to deal with sometimes. All these parts of myself, I learnt to question or suppress. That’s why I’m trying my best to be kind, present and nurturing for Bodhi. I see so much sensitivity in him and I don’t want him to ever feel he has to question or suppress that. I’m trying to know and understand all the complex layers to my child and be the mother he needs me to be. But in many ways, inadvertently, I’m being the mother to Bodhi that I needed too. But my mum always made me feel safe, she always encouraged me to do things that scared me and I know whenever I need her she’s always there. I want to be like that for Bodhi too.

I feel like when you choose to parent in a conscious, gentle, intuitive (whatever you want to call it!) way we cannot help but spend a lot of time with our owninner child, our conscious and subconscious memories, because I really believe our children really do hold a mirror up to us. Bodhi shows me everyday what healing and work I need to do on myself. I can make the choice (consciously or subconsciously) to repeat ingrained generational patterns or I can evaluate how these patterns and behaviours affected my childhood and choose differently. And it’s not all negative, I make a subconscious or conscious decision to carry on the patterns and behaviours that served me too, that brought joy to my childhood, that helped me to feel seen, and valued and worthy. Everyday in my parenting I’m making choices based on my own conscious and subconscious memories and the feelings that those memories bring and the patterns they point to.

Since having Bodhi my sense of self and the way I view myself changes every day. In the beginning it was in big overwhelming ways, I literally felt like I was a new human being here on earth for the first time, just like the baby I had just birthed. But as time went on, I slowly came back to parts of myself and then there were parts of myself that were totally new. I feel a lot closer to the little girl “me” from my childhood than ever before, I feel like she’s a big part of my sense of self now. Since becoming a mother, there’s this new side of me that’s fiery and protective and doesn’t give a f*ck. Especially when it comes to Bodhi and how I’m choosing to parent him. I literally couldn’t care less about what other people think because I know in my deepest self I’m doing the best for him and myself with the knowledge I have in this moment. That side is refreshing, because I’ve always cared so much about other people and their opinions and validation. It’s made me realise more than ever before that I’m such a multi faceted being, there are so many layers to me and that’s a beautiful thing. That appreciation and understanding of all of who I am has changed the way I treat myself in moments of hardship, it’s made me more forgiving, of myself and others and it’s given me a greater sense of peace. I feel more at home than I ever have before. And it took awhile to get to this point and I’m still learning and growing and evolving. But that’s where I’m at right now. 

I’m still learning to cultivate balance in every sense of the word. Some days feel harmonious and balanced and peaceful and others are nothing short of a shitstorm. My breath has been the one thing that has really helped me maintain internal balance. Connecting to my breath at every moment that I can, breathwork and meditation when I get a spare 15 minutes. But I want to make more time for yoga and movement and just “being” for myself and by myself. I’ll get there. 

Danika and Bodhi, together.